


Tepid Water

by usedupshiver



Category: Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Attempt at Humor, Botany gone wrong, Crack, Dubious Consent, Dubious Consentacles, M/M, Other, Plants, Tentacle Sex, Tentacles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-13 00:55:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5688397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/usedupshiver/pseuds/usedupshiver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki is out of town during the holidays. Tony promised to water his plants, because he figures that the worst thing that could happen is that he accidentally kills one of them.</p><p>Tony is wrong.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tepid Water

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote tentacle porn. What is my life. Send help.

Tony let himself into Loki's apartment with the spare key he'd been handed before Loki left to spend the holidays with his adoptive family – something he had clearly not been very excited about. The place smelled just like Loki; something dark and spicy along with the sharp scent of old books. It wasn't big, but the ceilings were high and the windows let in a lot of daylight. Which made all over Loki's many, many potted plants very happy.

Those plants were the reason Tony was here at all. Because Loki needed someone to take care of and water the things, and Tony was the only one left in town over Christmas. He had a strong feeling he wouldn't have been Loki's first choice for this chore if there had been anyone else to ask. And he couldn't blame Loki, really, because he wasn't known for taking great care of living things. Like girlfriends, or boyfriends. Or himself.

But damnit, he could do this! Really, how hard could it be to pour water over some soil?

A watering can made of polished metal was placed right by the sink in the kitchen, so Tony didn't even have to think about the best way to do this. He filled it with tepid water, not sure if it should be cold or hot and so going for something about the same temperature as his finger stuck under the faucet. Then he walked into the livingroom/bedroom, starting on the left and moving to the right, giving the inhabitants of each pot a healthy soak.

There were all sorts of plants. Some that shot up nothing but leaves in different shapes, some that looked more like little trees. One was even a palm tree. There were plants that climbed up other plants, and one with heart-shaped, green leaves streaked with gold that had at some point said 'fuck that' and climbed right up the damn wall instead. Because that's apparently what plants did these days. 

In the right corner of the room, there was one plant that looked even more odd than any of the others. Half hidden in the shade behind some huge, thick shrubbery as it was, Tony nearly missed it. Planted in a low, wide terracotta pot that it seemed almost coiled in, like a snake. Or several snakes, even. It was all thick, weirdly soft-looking vines wrapped around each other and hanging off the edges of the pot in thick loops, the tapered end of one reaching out over the polished hard-wood floor. As far as Tony could see it had no leaves, at all.

Fascinated and slightly repulsed at the same time, Tony leaned in to get a closer look, wrinkling his nose at the smell that greeted him. Thick and earthy and humid and almost... musky? Like it was an animal and not a plant.

”Well, aren't you weird as shit?”, he mutterd to the coils of vines, and then poured a steady stream of tepid water into the soil housing it. Quite a lot of water – it was a big pot, after all. He hummed to himself as he watched the dark soil suck the water right up, thirstily, wondering if maybe he should go out and buy himself something to drink on the way home. The holidays sucked, and getting drunk might be a good way to help with that. Even if he had to do it alone when everyone else were out of town.

Tony had just stopped pouring and started straightening up when something caught his eye and made him freeze. A movement. In the vines by his feet.

”The fuck?” He frowned and leaned back down, squinting. Thinking some kind of animal had taken to hiding in the plant. Better find out what and then call Loki. He'd know what to do.

Suddenly there was another movement, quicker, and not in the pot this time. It was the vine on the floor that suddenly twitched against the floorboards, and then shot out startlingly fast, to promptly wrap itself around Tony's ankle. The touch was just as fleshy and soft as Tony had thought it would be from the look of the thing, and the grip was firm.

With a shocked, undignified yelp he moved back. Or tried to. The grip didn't let up and his backwards momentum made him lose his balance. Stumbling, flailing, arms windmilling in the futile search for something to grab ahold of, he fell back and landed with a painful thump right on his ass.

”Ow!” Grimacing about his sore tailbone, Tony planted his palms and free foot on the floor and made another attempt at moving away from the vine. It didn't work. He glared at the coil that had wrapped a few times around his ankle and lower leg by now, fast approaching his knee. ”Oh no you don't”, he growled, kicking at it with his other foot and only managing to hit himself in the kneecap.

More movement made him stop hitting himself, and look over at the clay pot again. Just in time to see a second vine slither out of it, across the floor, right for him.

”Jesus fucking _Christ_!” Kicking out more desperately, aiming for the new arrival, Tony tried to drag himself backward, away from the plant, and still failed. He twisted, tugged, panted, cursed, and finally turned around, flopping down on his front on the floor. Gritting his teeth he reached a hand out for the heavy, solid coffee table. It had a thick, marble slate for a tabletop and weighed at least twice as much as Tony. He knew, because he'd been one of the people helping to move it into this place. If he could clamp onto that, he'd have something to help him drag himself away from the vines.

He couldn't though. It was about 2,5 inches too far away.

So this was it. He was going to die because he was 2,5 inches too short. Figured...

While his mind was racing, looking for an idea on how to get out of this, one that didn't mean having to touch the fucking things wrapped around his leg – no, actually, make that _legs_ , because now his other one was caught too – the vines beat him to it. The first one to latch onto him had changed its plan of attack and was now slipping its soft, probing tip into his pant leg instead of reaching higher on the outside of it. The touch made Tony lock rigid with a disgusted, squeaking noise. It was surprisingly warm, like the touch of another human almost, but the texture was something completely different from human skin. Smoother, rubbery almost.

”Nope”, he muttered with a pop at the end. ”Nope, not happening, you freaky fucking freak that's freaky.”

God, he was going to _kill_ Loki. If he got out of there alive, that was.

Wait. Loki!

Panicking, he reached a hand down and shoved it into the front pocket of the sweatpants he had worn over here because he wasn't going to see anyone important and didn't have to dress up. He was regretting that life-choice right now, since jeans might have kept the plant without a sense of personal space off him. Just as he grabbed his phone, nestled there in its warm litte home, he noticed that the first vine had reached above his knee, tickling the soft, curly hairs on his thigh. And that its fellow had now copied its movements and was quickly making its way up his other pant leg. Yeah, this was officially escalating way too quickly.

Hands shaking and fingers fumbling, he pulled his phone from his pocket, unlocked it, and hurried to get a call off to Loki. Trying and failing to calculate what time it was on the other side of the Atlantic at the moment. Whatever time it actually was, it only took three rings before Loki picked up.

”Yes?” All calm and smooth as silk, as usual.

”Why the fuck”, Tony gasped, still struggling, even with the phone pressed to his ear, ”didn't you tell me you had a fucking Gremlin for a plant?!”

There was a brief pause. ”What are you talking about, Tony?”

”You tell me, asshole!” He was shouting into the phone now. ”I watered your weird-ass vine thingy and now its crawling all over me! If I'd known you had the Little Shop of Horrors going on over here I would have let your fucking plants starve!”

Another pause, even shorter. ”Oh...” And then, louder: ”Ooooh!”

”Oh so _now_ you're catching up?!” Tony was getting hysterical, squeaking at the sensation of the first vine's gently probing tip reaching the top part of the inside of his thigh, tickling slightly, and pushing curiously at the leg of his worn and sort of loose boxer briefs. 

”I suppose I should have mentioned that one...”

” _You think??!!_ ” Tony almost shrieked. ”How the hell do I get this thing off me?”

”What kind of water did you give it?” At least Loki's voice was sharp and fast and all business now.

”Out of the tap! What do you think?!”

”No, what temperature! Hot, or cold?”

”In between? You know?” He sucked down a startled gasp as the second vine was caressing his ass-cheek through the fabric of his underwear, and the first one was still trying its best to slip inside the garment. ”Human temperature!”

”Oh”, came again from the other end of the line, entirely unhelpful.

”What?! What the hell does _that_ mean, Loki? Talk to me, you little shit!”

Loki cleared his throat, sounding almost... awkward? ”Well, cold water makes it sad, and hot water makes it angry, and tepid water makes it... affectionate?”

Tony froze. Which was sort of an accomplishment with the two vines still feeling him up. ”Say what?”

”It will attempt to get as close to you as it can. Skin contact, if possible.”

”Yeah, I kinda noticed!”

”And then it will...” Loki cleared his throat again. ”Seek to... Ah... Well... Pleasure you?”

Not even the fact that the first vine had now finally managed to navigate his underwear and was happily slipping up to curve around his bare ass could make Tony snap out of his outraged disbelief in that moment.

” _You grew a sex plant?!_ ”

”Sort of?”, came the unusually quiet reply.

”What the fuck is _wrong_ with you?!”

”That's not... important right now.”

”Damn right it's not! Just tell me how to get it off me!”

Loki sighed. ”I told you. You don't get it off until it gets _you_ off, Tony.”

Stuttering and sputtering at that, Tony curled his fingers so hard around the phone he was almost surprised he didn't crack the screen. The sensation of the first vine now dipping into his crack, while the second one was now following its friend inside his boxer briefs as well, just made his fingers clench harder around the device.

”Oh god”, he groaned, feeling a curious plant digit rub its tip in an exploring circle around his hole. ”You are in _so much_ trouble when you get home, Lokes, I can't even _begin_ to -” Tony sucked in a gasp when the tip of the vine, suddenly slick, pushed inside him. Obiously the weird as shit sex plant could excrete lube. Because of course it could...

”I know. I'm sorry?” And despite the uncertain tone, Loki actually sounded sorry. At least slightly. Which wasn't something that happened often.

”Better be”, Tony muttered, not entirely able to hide how breathy his voice had turned while the slick plant part had started slipping deeper and pulling back in shallow little thrusts. And he had no idea how that was even possible for a fucking plant to do.

”At least it feels good, doesn't it?” It was clear from the inflection that Loki was trying to placate him.

Tony pulled in a breath that turned to a high-pitched whine when the vine brushed his prostate. He still fully intended to tell Loki that it most certainly did not feel good, thank you very much! But then the thing pushed in deeper, stretching him a bit, coiling into a knot right against his sweet spot. All while the second vine slipped slickly past his balls and started to wrap around the base of his cock. Which he realized right then was hard as a fucking rock.

With a helpless whimper Tony went boneless, slumping down on the floor, his forehead hitting the boards with a thump. At least he managed to keep his phone by his cheek.

”Fuuuuck”, he wheezed. ”Jesus, Loki, how'd you even...?”

Loki hushed him gently, and when he spoke up he sounded slightly breathless too. ”Shh, don't think about that right now. Relax. Let it do what it wants.” His voice dropped into a lower, purry register. ”Just go with it, Tony. You might as well enjoy it.”

Which, yeah, true. Anyway, it was difficult not to enjoy it, given the way the vines now worked together, slick and slithery around his cock and in his ass, soft but firm and in steady, rhythmic movements that soon had Tony panting into the hardwood floor, lost for words.

”That's it”, Loki encouraged smoothly from the other side of the Atlantic Ocean, able to tell from his breathing that he was actually enjoying himself now. ”You're doing well.” He hummed. ”Now, clench”, he added after a couple of minutes.

Tony groaned, writhing against the overwhelming sensations. ”Wha'?” It was a challenge getting even most of that little word out.

”Trust me, Tony. Just do it.”

Even though Loki had gotten him into this mess, Tony actually did trust him. He didn't think Loki would do anything to purpously get him hurt. So he made an effort and clenched his ass around the vine, felt his dick shift at the movement too.

The reaction was instantaneous.

The vine coiled around his cock, stroking it in odd movents Tony didn't even know how it was managing, constricted in return. One coil at the time, from root to tip. And then from tip to root. It was like someone swallowing around him.

The one snuggled up his ass seemed to inflate, stretching and pushing at every sensitive spot from the inside.

Tony _exploded_. Or at least that's what he thought happened at first, because it was by far the most intense orgasm he'd ever experienced. Twisting through him, leaving him shuddering and breathless, while the vines worked him through it.

And then, while he was trying to settle back down into reality, Tony felt the plant deflate. Softening and loosening its grip. It unwrapped, untangled itself, and slipped free of him. Slowly, almost stroking him affectionately in the process, it retreated. Out of his underwear, down his legs, and when he found the strength to raise his head and glance over his shoulder, he saw it curl back up in the wide terracotta pot. One of the still glistening and slick tendrils even giving a flick, like a tiny wave, before it went still on top of its wet soil.

Breathing hard, Tony dropped his forehead back down, this time pillowed on his forearm.

”Are you all right, Tony?” Loki's voice was carefully gentle.

”No”, Tony whined. ”I was just violated by my best friend's house plant and had the most mind-blowing orgasm of my life and frankly, I have no idea how to feel about that but 'all right' definitely does not cover it. By a fucking long-shot.”

Loki, the unbelievable prick, actually chuckled. ”I really am sorry”, he said.

”Good”, Tony grumbled, ”because when you get back here, you are _so_ taking me out to dinner. That's the least you can do, even if we're really doing things backwards here.”

”Don't we always?”

Yeah. Point.


End file.
